Open Letter to The National Weather Service


Dear National Weather Service,

As you may know, our city is on fire.

It smells like god left the flue closed, which, I guess, it did.

Anyway, with the fires burning to the north, west, and east of me, I thought I would pass along a couple suggestions for future alerts.

In fact, I received one just a few minutes ago about the Kenneth fire that thoroughly confused me and inspired this column.

Los Angeles County is one of the nation’s largest counties with 4,084 square miles, an area some 800 square miles larger than the combined area of the states of Delaware and Rhode Island. Los Angeles County includes the islands of San Clemente and Santa Catalina.

I have two suggestions for your weather alerts:

    1.    Explain the air quality warnings for pets.

What sort of animals are threatened? What exercises should, say, dogs and cats avoid? Are certain breeds more at risk? They’re the first things many of us grab.

Include the innocents in your alerts. They have no option for a mask

    2.    When naming fires, include the zip codes of affected areas.

If you tell me a fire’s name, that doesn’t tell me if it’s near me.

Who the fuck is Kenneth, and why does he wear the scarlet letter? Am I near Kenneth? Is it safe, Kenneth?

Your maps are great. Your predictions are spot on.

But we need even keeled heads-ups, not Chicken Little cackling. Especially when we must keep guard for more pressing alerts: The one in our lungs.

Let’s make those alerts crystal clear, and maybe give fang and claw a heads-up too. After all, they’re not the dumbasses starting the mess.

And zip codes so we know exactly where the trouble is.

Thanks for keeping us informed, even if we’re the ones causing the mess.

Sincerely,

Scott