Gennevilliers My father was a career newspaperman and would turn over in his grave at what I am about to say. But he was cremated, has no tombstone and never believed in the afterlife, so fuck it.
I’m cutting the last 5% of news from my brain diet.
Three years ago, I announced I was going on a Lean News Diet. Cut 95% of my daily news intake. No CNN, no MSNBC, no Fox. No evening news, no late night comedians. Just headlines and the theory of natural infection — that important news filters to people naturally, like gossip about a shooting on your block or smoke from a wildfire.
I was adorably naive.
The problem wasn’t that I cut too much news. It’s that I didn’t cut enough.
Back in 2021, I thought Trump’s ouster and covid’s vaccine would change the tenor of coverage. When they didn’t, I blamed the news industry’s obsession with America’s Bottom Third — the QAnoners, science deniers, election fraud hucksters who became the day’s narrative.
Meet the news boss. Same as the old boss.
But here’s what I didn’t anticipate: The Bottom Third would become the boss. Literally. They’re not just the story anymore. They’re writing it. They’re in the Cabinet. They’re naming destroyers after themselves.
And the news — even just the 5% I allowed myself, even just the headlines — has become a hospice vigil for American democracy. Every morning, I check to see if the patient is still breathing. Every evening, I’m assured the patient is definitely dying. Rinse, repeat, forever.
No. I’m done. 99% wasn’t enough. I’m going full Mennonite on news.
The gamble is steeper now, I’ll admit. In 2021, I figured important news would find me. And it did, mostly. Someone always told me about the Dobbs decision. About the midterms. About the indictments that went nowhere.
But here’s what also found me: anxiety I didn’t need about problems I couldn’t solve. Rage about people I’ll never meet. A daily reminder that 40% of my countrymen would watch democracy burn if it owned the libs.
I don’t need that rental agreement anymore. I’m breaking the lease on worry.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Iisn’t staying informed a civic duty? Isn’t ignorance dangerous?”
Maybe. I used to believe so.
But maybe now I’d counter with this: What exactly has my informed citizenship accomplished? I voted. I donated. I argued with relatives at Thanksgiving. And where did it get me? Same place as everyone else — watching the same car crash in slow motion, just with better commentary.
The news isn’t informing me anymore. It’s just making me a better-educated passenger on the Titanic.
So here we go again:
Introducing the Lean News Diet 2.0! Now with 99% less cortisol!
The Lean News Diet 2.0 couldn’t be easier! Just turn off your TV, close your browser tabs, and — Snap! — you’re done! IT’S THAT EASY!
But wait, there’s more! Order the Lean News Diet 2.0 now, and we’ll throw in complete ignorance of what fresh hell is trending on Twitter! That’s right — you won’t even know what you’re missing!
Let’s see the Lean News Diet 2.0 in action. These are actual headlines from this week, not actors, pulled before I closed the tab forever:
“Trump announces tariffs on…” — doesn’t matter, they’ll change by Thursday.
“Scientists warn climate…” — yeah, they’ve been warning for 40 years. Wake me when coastal property values reflect it.
“Supreme Court to hear case on…” — let me guess, something that will make me furious and powerless.
THE LEAN NEWS DIET 2.0! You wouldn’t drink poison. Stop mainlining it through your prefrontal cortex!
Here’s my 1%: I’ll check the weather. I’ll read obituaries of people I actually knew. If there’s a genuine emergency — not a political emergency, not a democracy-is-dying emergency, but a get-in-your-car-and-drive emergency — I trust someone will call me.
Everything else? Let it filter or let it go. If it’s important enough, it’ll find me. If it’s just important enough to ruin my afternoon, I don’t want to know.
The operators are no longer standing by. They’ve left the building. They’re at home, reading books, taking walks, having conversations about things they can actually affect.
Order now! Or don’t. We’ve stopped checking.
(Offer not valid in Mississippi, Alabama, Texas and other American Bottom Third states. But also, who are we kidding — it’s not really valid anywhere anymore.)
