Obama APOLOGIES: YOUR FREE TRIAL OF AMERICA HAS ENDED
Valued Users,
For 250 years, you’ve enjoyed complimentary access to the United States of America. At no cost, you received postal service, drinkable water, relative safety from kings, and, for many of you, voting rights—eventually.
Well, the free ride is over. America is moving to a subscription model.
Why? Not because we have to. We just like money. And power. And money again.
http://childpsychiatryassociates.com/?p=2787 FEATURES BEING REMOVED
Effective immediately, the following free features will be discontinued:
- Rule of Law: Now premium.
- Clean Elections: Paywalled.
- Free Press: Behind a subscription portal nobody can afford.
- Separation of Powers: Retired. Too confusing for new users.
- No Kings, Ever: Oops.
Eggs now cost $800. That is unrelated but, frankly, hilarious to us.
NEW FEATURES
We’re proud to introduce several exciting innovations you didn’t ask for:
- National Guard on Demand: They just show up now. No request required.
- State-Controlled Business: Don’t worry; you weren’t using “freedom” anyway.
- Masked Men in Vans: For when you “share an opinion.”
- CEO-for-Life Mode: Our new leadership model. All glitches intentional.
USER FEEDBACK
You told us you loved personal liberty, economic opportunity, and the American dream. You were iffy on gun violence, but it turns out we bundled that feature so deeply into the code we can’t uninstall it. Sorry!
PRICING
To continue accessing America, please deliver $5 million in unmarked bills to our CEO. He will consider sparing you.
For the America Premium Plus Ultra Deluxe package, which includes:
- An explanation from the Supreme Court
- Roads that work
- A single functioning public school
…please submit all assets, children, and loyalty pledges directly to headquarters.
FINAL NOTE
Freedom isn’t free. And starting now, it isn’t freedom.
Thank you for your compliance.
