Peter Marshall: “Eddie Fisher recently said, ‘I am sorry. I am sorry for them both.’ Who was he referring to?”
Paul Lynde: “His fans.”

Marshall: “According to Tony Randall, ‘Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…’ what?”
Lynde: “Bitterly disappointed.”

Marshall: “Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?”
Lynde: “Gee, I don’t remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn’t buy their cookies.”

Marshall: “Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?”
Lynde: “No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.”

Marshall: “Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell ‘Man overboard!’ What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?”
Lynde: “Full speed ahead!”

Marshall: “What are ‘dual-purpose cattle’ good for that other cattle aren’t?”
Lynde: “They give milk… and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.”

Marshall: “Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?”
Lynde: “Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.”

Marshall: “According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?”
Lynde: “11.”

Marshall: “What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?”
Lynde: “Point and laugh!”

Marshall: “In ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?”
Lynde: “He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.”

Marshall: “In the Shakespearean play ‘King Lear,’ King Lear had three of them – Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?”
Lynde: “King Lear had Goneril?”

Marshall: “Paul, everyone knows the first verse: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?”
Lynde : [singing] “Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning.” [audience laughs] “How disgusting… that poor sailor!”

Marshall: “True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?”
Lynde: “From ONE midnight ride?”

Marshall: “Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. What was it?”
Lynde: “Let’s see… toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?”
Marshall: “Now cut that out!”
Lynde: “Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?”