Monthly Archives: August 2022

Open Letter to a Puppy, Chapter XIV: Dog Dad Afternoon


My better halves,

I forget sometimes how new you are. We’ve learned each other’s’ rhythms so well that it feels like we’ve been together for years. But we’ve been a trio for only nine months, and this is our first summer.

So I didn’t think much of the invitation, Jadie, to try out your webbed paws (which all Labs have) at a friend’s pool. I had a pool at my previous house, and your ancestors, Teddy and Esme, LOVED it. We spent an entire summer at that flat chlorine altar, and your dad had quite the tan.

But this was the first time either of you had seen a pool deeper than six inches. And you turned THAT into a plastic rawhide. I still don’t know if that was a sign of love or repulsion.

Regardless, you were as curious as Yogi at a picnic basket when we arrived at the crystal blue wonder. You both sniffed the edges, peered your reflections, smelled Dodger’s ass. But you never went in.

As you surveyed, I ducked into the bathroom and stripped to a suit. Then I walked to the edge, asked Jaime if he was filming, and feigned falling into the water. That’s how Teddy learned to swim, and I’d seen footage of new mothers chucking their infants in pools to teach them aquatics. 

I promise you: I will never feign mishap again. What could be more terrifying for a youngling than to see their oldling in peril? At least the babies can think, ‘Oh well, guess mom didn’t want me. Was nicer back there, anyway.’

I will never know what you thought, but I will never forget how you responded. Jadie, I’ve watched that video like the Zapruder tape, and you were in within three Mississippis of splashdown.

And baby, I’ll be honest: You ain’t Michael Phelps. You swim as much vertically as horizontally, which has gotta be scary, especially when you can’t see the exit. But once you learned the terrain, you wouldn’t stay out, so maybe we’ll do that again.

And Charlie. Bud, you were heroism incarnate. When I “fell” and Jadie dove, you and Dodger sensed something was amiss. And while Dodger began what his dad would later call “rescue barks,” you began what I call rescue action.

You came to the edge of the pool where we submerged. When Jadie’s panicked paddling sent her to the other side of the pool, you and Dodger ran there. Then you dove headfirst into the deep end. And you don’t even like baths.

What were you thinking, I wonder. That you could save us both? That, ‘If dad and sis are going down, I’m going with them’? 

You took a literal leap of faith. I don’t know if I’ve ever jumped without knowing the depth. What is that? Innate courage? Instinctive love?

By the end of lunch, you were running through the place like an off-leash park, playing keepaway with mini float noodles and blatantly violating Mrs. Rovero’s no-poolside-running policy.

And I have to admit: I was a initially a little nervous for you both. I guess that’s to be expected: Somehow, it feels more important this time around.

What I didn’t expect was that you would be nervous for me. And then I realized what you were getting at: It matters every time around.

It’s about enough to keep a soul afloat.

The Bust of the Baby Boomer Generation


It was with much fanfare and self back-pattery that the Senate eked out an inflation and climate change bill. To which I say cheers and kudos!

Now go kill yourself.

Not literally, of course. We know the difference between literally and figuratively, unlike, say, an Alex Jones. He may soon learn the cost of truth.

But, in a way, the two are oddly linked: They both illuminate the Baby Boomer Generation, at its most cooperative and unruly.

Read: Baby Boomers haven’t done shit.

You were given the world and went to the moon, torching the Earth on your way up.

It breaks my heart to say that. Some of my favorite people are Boomers — and I don’t mean as defined by Wikipedia’s very questionable timeline; even those born between the mid-50’s and 1964 want out, opting for the term Generation Jones.

Like them, I see Boomers as the inheritors of those who put in the work. That would include work from a decorated, wounded World War II vet uncle Guy, whose first name and glass eye I inherited. What have I done with the privilege of First World residency?

Not much, but seismically more than those slightly older than me. One war lost, another tied, the rest staged as strawman torchery. Corporate Darwinism took over as the apex predator under Boomer supervision, and Rock & Roll died on their watch: Name a rock genre after grunge.

It’s hard to think of what Boomers gave this nation besides the moon shot and some politics worth overturning. Boomers didn’t even usher in the next historically significant age: The Technology Era. That was created by Generations X and Y, fittingly, and Boomers still try to halt the progress of that movement. Note that not one Republican senator voted for climate change legislation.

Time to get off stage and let The Parkland Generation take it from here. You had our say. And that soul? It was purchased in foreclosure when the housing bubble popped — perhaps Boomers’ true enduring legacy.

So, we want to emphasize: We did mean to kill yourself, literally.

But please, do actually fuck off.