Soon It Will All Magically Go Away
Monthly Archives: December 2020
Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night!
Donald Trump may be the most loathsome American to have ever golf-carted the earth, but you gotta hand it to the guy: He commits to the bit.
And what a bit he put on! For four years, he entertained us with plot twists that Aaron Sorkin would reject as absurd: Affairs with playmates; Russian intrigue; impeachment; a pandemic — that ensnares the protagonist.
And now, as the Electoral College makes Joe Biden’s win official, it appears clear, maybe obvious: Four years was how long The Trumpian Show was meant to run.
Think about it: Wouldn’t it have been anticlimactic if Trump had been re-elected? Four more years of a virus out of control? Four more years of lobby-and-reward? Four years of trolls like Stephen Miller and Rudy Giuliani? For more years of that hair?
Another term simply wouldn’t have been good TV, and that has always determined Trump’s fate, anyway.
Which is what makes this series finale so good. Who could have seen this final turn? Instead of a reality TV host returning to reality, Trump pulled a reverse Truman Show: As he neared the edge of the set, he let us know that he was in on the joke the whole time, that we were the unsuspecting dupes, that he never intended to leave the show, and that he would like to start the take over, this time from the top.
Some fans were so engrossed in the series that they’re demanding the same thing, refusing to acknowledge that it’s been canceled. Some in Congress promise theatrics when it counts the electoral vote Jan. 6, and could we expect any less? These will be final curtain calls for some.
What’s so insidiously effective about the show’s swansong is the note on which it will end for millions of viewers: as an unresolved mystery. Thanks to the White Lives Matter conspiracy theory Trump has instilled in his fanbase, half the country will remember him as the Messianic leader who died for the sins of his frightened, angry legions.
They’re not necessarily wrong. How many still hold a Trumpian, singular worldview as America’s Inheritor? Trump certainly embodied the American cancer that had to be biopsied and excised.
But good TV doesn’t end on biopsies. It ends with the villain being vanquished.
So take a bow, Mr. President. You didn’t disappoint in your unspoken pledge to make politics required viewing again.
And now, if you’d be so kind…
Get the fuck out of my face.
The Electoral College’s Consolation Prize
I’ve yet to hear a cohesive, contemporary justification for the Electoral College. Defenders simply can’t get beyond this bottom-line reality: It creates a popularity contest in which the most popular doesn’t win. That’s like a dog show crowning a gerbil.
So it’s gotta go.
However, that doesn’t mean karma doesn’t occasionally bring a measure of equilibrium to the universe, and we would be wise to occasionally acknowledge that (what are the 24/7s going to do when they don’t have Trump to frighten viewers?). And karma fittingly bit Donald Trump in the ass when he discovered this week that the Electoral College is fucked up.
Consider: Joe Biden beat Trump by a hair’s breadth in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Wisconsin, among many other states. In some cases, by fractions of percentage points.
But look at the Electoral College tally: 308 to 232. Were it not for the all-or-nothing rules of the college, that margin would have been narrowed significantly.
In truth, at least 46% of the nation believes he should be president again. Do proponents of the electoral system still feel they were adequately represented? Because they got shellacked November 5, electorally-speaking.
Remember, George W. had to win only Florida in the college to secure the disputed election in 2000. Trump, though, would have had to win challenges in a half-dozen states. Imagine if the election hinged on just one state again.
So consider it the Electoral College’s consolation prize for progressives, and Irony’s sweet revenge for those accepting gift horses.
But make no mistake: We studied hard and eked out a passing grade from a capricious, illogical professor. It’s time to drop this class.
