^{(Editor’s note: This column isn’t for reading. It’s for stealing, abridging, making your own. Acknowledge your postal carrier. Offer a wave. Put a gift card in the box. It’s the least we can do for our civilian soldiers in uniform.)}

Dear U.S. Postal Carrier,

I don’t know anything about you, but I feel you know much about me: Where I get my medications; my mom’s handwriting; the frivolous doo-dads I have no right buying, particularly now.

You don’t, of course, but you see where I’m going. I feel a certain familiarity with you, at least enough to write this note. I feel it’s more than due.

As you know all too well, for months, the president of our great nation said you were not up to the job. That you were too overworked and under-prepared to handle the paperwork of a nation voting from home. He assigned you a boss to try and make it so, stripping you of the very tools to do your job.

And I’ll admit: The seeds of doubt found purchase in the back of my mind. I worried whether my vote would make it to those who tally.

Shame on me. Shame on us.

You proved the fears unfounded, and the president a liar. You not only rose to the challenge, you bitch-slapped the president like a crack whore in debt. You did such an impressive job handling tens of millions of ballots that the president’s last-gasp yelp was to argue that no-goodniks were miscounting the very parcels you delivered.

Somehow, you managed nearly all of this apolitically. It’s as if you knew: Whether you’re Democrat or Republican, every voter wants their voice heard.

As a retired newspaperman, let me apologize that we haven’t praised you in retrospect. We’re Chicken Littles that way: Falling skies are our raison d’etre. And as we swim to the next panic-porn feeding frenzy, you’ll be left with a note on the pillow: “Good job. Now back to the pandemic. And don’t forget the Christmas rush. You did sign up to work overtime for the holidays, right?“

So on behalf of a nation that should be more grateful than it is, let me say: Thank you for your service.

I take that back. I do know a thing or two about postal carriers. I know they’re government workers who don’t take the job because they’re lazy. And I know they don’t take the job for the power or the money.

That alone merits a thank you.

Sincerely,

Scott Bowles

p.s. I’ll try to cut down on the doo-dads.