After all, it’s easy enough to bitch. Quite another to suggest ways to improve the world. I’m always puzzled by those who complain about a system and offer no solutions to improve it. Scientists call it Red State Reasoning.
And it’s not that hard to come up with an invention. You may do it every day. Maybe you use a bowl as an iPhone speaker. Or hang wrinkled clothes in the bathroom while you shower. Or cut cake with dental floss.
The point is, chip in or shut the fuck up.
In that spirit, here are some of my current invention ideas. Patents not pending:
The Front Brake Light
Picture this: You want to turn right in your car down the busiest street in your town. Cars are flying. Then you see a car that appears to be slowing down, with its right turn signal on — apparently opening a lane for you to merge.
Then — pow! The driver had accidentally left the turn signal on. Why is it that the only angle that a driver, pedestrian or biker CANNOT tell whether a car is slowing down is when it’s headed directly at you? A simple brake light under each turn signal would, literally, save thousands of lives a year.
The “Bulb Out” Bulb
Similar in theory to the Front Brake Light. Why is it that the only way we discover when a brake or head light burns out is when someone tells us — particularly a cop? We have a signal that indicates when our tire pressure is low. Surely it wouldn’t be hard to create a sensor when a bulb burns out.
Spravy
Household pets are notoriously finicky eaters. Cats routinely go more than 3 days without eating, sometimes simply from a dietary or mealtime change.
Introducing Spravy, the spray-on gravy that softens and seasons kibble with chicken-, beef- or chicken-flavored juices. It could even be vitamin-enriched so pet zealouts can rest assured Mr. Mittens gets his daily recommended dose of iron and riboflavin. (I’m currently making Spravy out of the juice in chicken noodle soup.)
Evidentialism
A secular faith-based system that posits that science is a faith. The premise is based on a single question: Who do you believe will cure COVID-19, science or a god? If the former, you’re either an atheist or Evidentialist.
Dead Line
A novel/movie with this as the premise: A rookie reporter is on his first big-city story. The story: Competing serial killers are taunting and one-upping each other through social and traditional media, tallying followers and granting anonymous interviews for bigger headlines. The twist: The reporter is one of the killers.
The Misfortune Cookie
We’re used to the astrologically bland futures as seen through the typical fortune cookie: A fresh start will put you on your way; A lifetime friend shall soon be made; A light heart carries you through all the hard times.
Introducing The Misfortune Cookie, perfect for college dorm deliveries, snarky late dinners and general sardonic revelry. Prognostications include: The fortune you seek is in another cookie; A closed mouth gathers no feet; Everyone at the table is judging you; You will die alone and poorly dressed.
Legal disclaimer: All inventions are hereby declared public domain, and may be stolen, pilched and turned-for-profit. The goal is not to stake a claim, but flex constructive brain muscles.
If you happen to be reading this, do yourself a favor: Stop reading this.
Instead, go to Netflix and cue up The Speed Cubers, the streaming service’s new documentary. Don’t read plot synopses, recaps, analyses or first reactions. It’s only 40 minutes long, so carve out the same attentive time you would for your favorite TV show. Then come back here. We can wait.
Did you see it? Liar. Seriously, go see it first.
The reason we’re being so pushy is because Cubers is one of those rare movies that to review it is to lessen it. Reviews require the very synopses and analyses that will to ruin the wondrous surprise the film holds for us. Cubers is not about what it appears, making it one of 2020’s best cinematic revelations.
Cubers begins wordlessly inside the 2017 World Rubik’s Cube Championships in Melbourne. A title sequence informs us that it takes the average person three hours to finish their first Rubik’s Cube.
Cubers do it in 7 seconds.
Or, if you’re Max Park and Feliks Zemdegs, less. They are at the center of Cubers, but the film is about so much more than their prodigious talents. More than their unlikely friendship. Instead, Cubers is ultimately about paying attention and raising kids right. By Hollywood standards, that’s about as rare as a silent film.
The movie briefly addresses the prowess of speedcubers. While most puzzle players memorize a handful of algorithms to solve the square, professional cubers memorize more than 300. Add to that the dexterity of card magicians, and speedcubers see a 7-second solve the way runners view a 4-minute mile: the gold standard.
But director Sue Kim deftly moves from puzzle to portrait, specifically an artful capture of the Park family: father Schwan, mother Miki and 17-year-old Max, who was born with autism. The parents poignantly recall the difficulties connecting with their son and the joy in finding a tool for Max to focus, socialize, excel.
The scenes here, of parents grappling with a child “on the spectrum,” make the film. Schwan has the eloquence of a poet, and Miki’s determination to get through to her son is a near-ballet of mirroring, comforting and occasionally consoling. Normally, parents get short shrift in Hollywood. They’re oblivious (American Pie), absent (Home Alone) or overbearing (Meet the Parents).
Here they’re perfect — on both ends of the spectrum. At the other end sits Zemdegs, an equally astonishing 23-year-old. Feliks is one of the founding fathers of speedcubing, one of the first to measure problem-solving in seconds instead of minutes.
He’s as remarkable as Max. Despite wunderkind talent, Feliks — empowered by mother Rita, who took a Zen-like approach to her son’s obsessive cube fetish — seems profoundly at ease with his diminishing skills. He holds a full-time job, moves within a circle of friends and, most importantly, is proud to be a role model for Max and other cubers who worship his career. Every great athlete in any sport could take a cue from him.
Speaking of sport, Cubers has a competition build-up that’s as dramatic as any sports showdown. This is Rocky meets Chasing Bobby Fischer.
We won’t give anything away in terms of the championships, but the contests really don’t matter in The Speed Cubers. What matters are the relationships that spring from the competition. And, like a solved Rubik’s Cube, The Speed Cubers is a perfect little diversion, on every side.
