Monthly Archives: July 2019

When Obsession Turns Obvious

 

Brenda Song in Secret Obsession (2019)

Netflix has been thriving on the woman-in-peril sub-genre of filmmaking. It found an unexpected smash in Birdbox, starring Sandra Bullock as a mother fleeing unseen demons. It bought the TV show You, a half-season flop about a stalker boyfriend, from the Lifetime network and turned it into a series already greenlit for a second season.

Which makes the streaming service’s latest flick, Secret Obsession, so curious. It’s the kind of movie filmmakers don’t make anymore — and for good reason.

Suspense-free and trope-filled, Obsession is a particularly odd choice for Netflix, which is trying to establish its original features as serious, event cinema. But this latest entry feels slapdash and cheap, the kind of fare usually relegated to weeknight time-filler fare on dying cable networks. It feels like someone owed someone a favor to get this made.

Directed by television veteran Peter Sullivan (The Sandman), it’s difficult to know where to start with Obsession: its give-all-away trailer, its inevitable plot arc or its worst offense, boredom. This is one of those rare films that would have been better had it been worse; a good dose of camp would at least have made for a fun (or funny) way to spend an hour and a half.

Instead, we get a thriller that does not thrill, a suspense movie with as much suspense as a Beagle, and a production that will do little to fend off the competition of ascending streaming services.

Obsession’s opening scene begins with a glimmer of hope for entertainment: A woman flees a silent, sinister pursuer around a highway rest stop in driving rain. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but it’s too simple to screw up. After that, though, it’s all downhill.

Our protagonist, Jennifer (Brenda Song), evades her tormentor, only to be hit by a passing car. The driver gets her to a hospital while her husband, Russell (Mike Vogel), arrives shortly thereafter. The doctors tell him she’ll be okay, but she’s got a bad case of the most plot-forwarding injury of all, amnesia. Memento was the last film to use that device effectively, and woe to the director who tries to employ it as effectively.

Jennifer can’t remember a thing, leaving it to Russell to remind her who she is as he nurses her back to health. Something, though, seems fishy, raising the suspicion of Detective Frank Page (Dennis Haysbert), who comes with his own convenient and tragic backstory, along with a doubting police chief.

That Page (or Jennifer herself) wouldn’t notice the countless holes in the story immediately is Obsession‘s first major misstep. This is a movie that would have us believe that a patient can undergo a days-long course of medical treatment without ever being positively identified — and that same patient can subsequently be released into the care of someone who also hasn’t identified themselves. A good 10 minutes of “Secret Obsession” consists of people slowly realizing that they don’t have any idea who the main characters of this story actually are.

Still, Russell is allowed to bring Jennifer to a palatial home in secluded woods 20 miles north of San Francisco — and a mile from the nearest neighbor. A good 10 minutes is burned on Jennifer trying to find a cell-phone signal. (She never does.)

Though Obsession hoists as many red flags as the Kremlin, Jennifer is the last to see any of them, allowing her husband to let his own psycho flag fly. Instead of slowly revealing the dark side of our villain, as YouMiseryFatal Attraction and innumerable others did, Obsession seems impatient to get to the point we all see coming, and the rush is needless.

Song is apt as the movie’s heroine, but the best performance by far comes from Haysbert. While he’s become known as the Allstate insurance guy, he’s a terrific actor whose credits include HeatMajor League and 24.

Alas, he’s not in the film often enough to make it entertaining, and by the end of Obsession, you’ll be the one pining for amnesia.

The Irony Age

Irony a: the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning. b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony. c : an ironic expression or utterance.

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There are, however, stop signs.

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We’re gonna need a floatable boat.

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Maybe smoke alarms for the electric chair?

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I thought the Republican tilted right

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Thankfully, there were no explosions of flavor.

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One way to get people to use mass transportation.

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It does, however, cut glue use.

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Should have included a ‘No littering ‘ addendum.

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On the plus side, he aced the written test.

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Help yourself to the invisible seashells.

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And try their carbon monoxide oxygen tanks!

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Some people are so literal.

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You should see their medical ollege.

(From HB photo editor Earl Troglin)

And the most ironic butchering song of all time:

Reasoning with Jihadists

 

Image result for funny mueller testifying

 

Bob Mueller’s Congressional testimony has not yet begun, but I can tell you how it will end:

With Dems walking away with squadoosh.

I should know. I’ve been holding Mueller hearings since high school. Only in my case, god is the investigative target, not Donald Trump.

But what Dems can’t seem to accept is that making a case against Trump is exactly like making a case against the lord (sorry, that mass murderer doesn’t deserve capitalization — just like Trump).

You see, it won’t matter what Bob testifies to, regardless of his investigation’s findings, just as it won’t matter what you tell a “believer.” Sure, the evidence of hoax is overwhelming. But GOPers, like evangelicals, believe what they want to hear, not what empirical facts tell them.Image result for funny breitbart

In truth, for Republicans, Trump is god. Don’t believe it? Just YouTube Trump rally videos, particularly as his slackwit crowds chant their version of John 3:16, “Send them back! Send them back!” If that ain’t a contemporary version of speaking in tongues, there ain’t one.  And don’t give me this shit that Republicans love to spew — “I’m a Republican, but I don’t like Trump.” That’s as hypocritical as those who belch “I’m socially liberal, but fiscally conservative.” Yeah? Then why do you support candidates who have helped run the federal deficit to $779 billion and counting?

The pussy-grabber-in-chief will likely win reelection on those hypocrisies alone, to the delight of the right, who dare not blaspheme against his atrocities, from caging toddlers to raping women. Ask Bob Corker or Jeff Flake what reasonable skepticism got them. Or John McCain’s wife.

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The atheist-versus-believer debate will play out in full bloom following the hearing, as MSNBC runs interminably damning clips and FOX holds up its bible, in this case a teleprompter script that chants “No obstruction, no collusion!” Atheists are going to be taken to the woodshed on the power of faith alone. Coming from a family of churchgoers, I can tell you: The woodshed sucks. But just as I had to  accept dismissal and defeat, so too will never Trumpers. The LA Times actually ran an op-ed piece today with the headline “Congress Should Take Mueller’s Testimony as a Call to Action.”

How quaint. As opposed to every other treasonous day in Donnie’s stint on the job?

Instead of fighting low tide, howzabout this: Drop the Mueller questioning, drop impeachment talk  and pass bills on the House floor that will surely die in the Senate (if it even appears there), but may resonate with voters? Like paying women as much as men, or punishing big pharma for price gouging, or protecting racial and sexual minorities from the real witch hunts that rot the nation’s core.

Sure, you’re gonna fall on your own sword in the attempt. But we’re all going to die. At least do so with your head held up.