Monthly Archives: April 2019

Brains!

Jaime King, Black Summer

Let’s face it: America has a zombie problem. They’ve invaded our TV shows, our films, our commercials, our toy shelves, our seasonal pop-up Halloween stores, not to mention the takeover of comic-book shelves and bookstores. According to BoxOfficeMojo.com, there have been 70 zombie movies since 1980 — 23 of them since 2012.

So Black Summer, the latest horror series from Netflix, comes as something of a relief. Sure, it’s yet another homage to the flesh-eating undead. But at least it’s a fresh take on rotting corpses.

Created by John Hyams and Karl Schaefer, co-creators of Syfy’s Z Nation, Summer is supposedly a prequel to that eccentric zombie series, which was intended as a counter-punch to The Walking Dead, though Nation was canceled recently after five seasons. In truth, Netflix calls it a prequel likely to draw in the cultish fans of Nation, because the two shows share little zombie DNA. Summer is set at the onset of the apocalypse; Nation took place three years into the apocalypse. Summer takes itself (perhaps too) seriously and feasts on tension; Nation featured a zombie stripper whose arm fell off mid-dance.Image result for z nation strip club

Set a few months after an initial outbreak wipes out Denver, Summer thrives in the chaos of a nation that knows it is being overrun and unprepared to stop the takeover. It’s absolute mayhem when we drop into the premiere. Handheld camera operators follow survivors with long uncut shots as they creep through tunnels, break into abandoned houses and sprint down deserted streets (easily the most terrifying element of the show). If The Walking Dead is a cinematic look at the potential end of mankind, Summer is a flat-out sprint from that possibility; much of the show looks as if it were shot with GoPro cameras atop running actors.

And Summer has to capture that frenetic pacing, because character development is essentially non-existent. Instead, the story line — what little there is of one— revolves around getting from Point A (a suburb that’s been evacuated) to Point B (a sports stadium where survivors are being airlifted to safer parts of the country), and the depth of the characters goes as far as them not wanting to be eaten.

Though largely a B-list cast, Jaime King is the biggest name in the credits as Rose, a mother looking for her daughter after they get separated in the evacuation. Co-stars come and go as they get their own story threads, run away or become Lunchables.Jaime King, Black Summer

But that is the show’s unspoken strength. Black Summer is about thrills and thrills only. No maniacal Walking Dead human villains, no abstract debates about humanity’s role the apocalypse, no absurd rules to avoid becoming a living appetizer.  Summer runs solely on adrenaline and instinct; there’s no time to debate morality because survivors are dropped from one creepy situation to the next.

The downside of this is repetition, and it’s hard to see Summer aspiring to be anything beyond zombie chases and run-ins with scumbag survivors taking advantage of the chaos. One episode consists almost entirely of a foot chase with brain-eaters that has about a half-dozen words of dialogue. Deep? No. Effective? Quite.

What Summer lacks in depth it almost makes up for in structural simplicity. Each episode is presented as a series of smaller chapters, with simple title cards laid over a black screen. As we follow characters, they are constantly crossing paths with each other, so we’ll see several scenes from different perspectives as we follow the different survivors.Image result for black summer zombie foot chase

Episode lengths range from your standard 45-ish minutes to a mere 20 minutes — the finale, which is a descent into chaos as the city is overrun. The lack of format works here, as it nicely underscores a lack of structure in an overturned world. Government forces are impotent; survivors accidentally shoot each other; some humans are as venomous as the undead. Summer forgoes exposition for breathless escapes.

Most effective are the zombies themselves. For one, they’re fast: think 28 Days Later or World War Z over the stumbling mumblers of, say, Night of the Living Dead. And zombies don’t die with a simple head trauma. Here, creatures usually need a fusillade of automatic gunfire to be brought down.

In a sense,  Summer is The Walking Dead without the bloated melodrama and pretentious blabbering (and, unfortunately, big-budget makeup and special effects). Summer is less a TV show than a sensory experience. It’s not going to redefine the zombie movie, but Summer manages to breathe some life into a genre at risk of dying out from overexposure.

And Her Gift? A Mop and Bucket

I have so many questions.

But first, congratulations, Melanie (Donnie copy edited this)! You turned 49 yesterday. Hope it was everything a woman dreams on the edge of a half century. I hear President Globular is even going to take his socks off during your birthday sex.

Now the questions:

Who the hell runs the White House Twitter feed? Apparently, Donnie was hosting some dignitaries Friday in another room when the shot was taken, but THIS is the pic you chose to officially wish Melania a Happy Birthday? You couldn’t find one of her on the crapper?

And what is she doing there, anyway? It’s your birthday, and hubby talked you into celebrating on a couch with paparazzi?

Finally, what did prez get her? My guess is an unsigned paperback copy of The Art of the Deal.Image result for the art of the deal

Now for something less distasteful: FactSlaps.

  • The average U.S. gamer is 35 years old.Image result for middle aged gamer
  • China invests more each year in renewable power than any other country on earth.
  • Iceland and Finland have the lowest infant mortality rate in the world.Image result for china renewable energy
  • Macaulay Culkin was the first child actor to earn $1 million for a movie.Image result for macaulay culkin home alone
  • Ta’u island in American Samoa runs on 100% solar energy.
  • Of the 56 million abortions that take place worldwide every year, 45% are not considered safe by WHO standards.
  • Sharks are older than trees. Image result for sharks
  • Older fish live longer if fed the feces of younger fish. Image result for fish feces

Havlicek Stole the Ball!

Image result for john havlicek

Living in LA, I know this is heresy, but fuck it. Heretics are some of my favorite sinners. And this is my heretical confession: Celtic blood runs through my veins.

And my blood ran a little cold yesterday; John Havlicek died.John Havliceck, Boston Celtics, 1960s.jpg

I never saw Havlicek play a game in his life. But, in many ways, Havlicek, nicknamed “Hondo,” bonded me with my father. He would tell me stories of the Celtics in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s, when they were perhaps the most successful professional sports team in history, regardless of sport. Bill Russell, Bob Cousy, Jo Jo White, Dave Cowens and John Havlicek made up their core, and dad would spend hours telling me stories of their unselfish heroism. And the Celts had the record to prove it: They won eight straight world championships from 1959 to 1966, and 12 out of 18 through 1976. Image result for Bill Russell, Bob Cousy, Tiny Archibald, Dave Cowens and John Havlicek

As I got older, my fandom intensified. Larry Bird became my Havlicek. Image result for larry bird Though we lived in Detroit, we had a hifi system the size of a Buick. On clear night, we could hear Boston games as relayed by WBZ commentator Johnny Most, a guy whose voice sounded like he gargled with vinegar and gravel. Many a night, bedtime required I turn in before the game ended. Every morning, dad would leave an index card on the kitchen table for me, with the game’s outcome and players’ stats. I may even have become a journalist to bond with dad, but that’s another story.

My favorite of dad’s stories centered on Hondo and the pick-and-roll. A pick-and-roll is when a defender is covering you too closely to get a shot off. So Havlicek would dribble as fast as he could past a big teammate, usually Russell or Cowens, who acted as a human barricade for Hondo. Havlicek would pass a teammate so closely their shoulders would brush, sending the inattentive defender careening into the monstrous men — and the floor. Today’s players use the move to clear a path for a flashy, ESPN-friendly dunk. Hondo, though, would simply leap for an unimpeded jump shot. “You’ve never seen someone pick-and-roll like Havlicek,” dad would say. “It was a thing of beauty.”Image result for cownens and havlicek

And devastation. Hondo would collect more hardware over his career than a carpenter: eight championship rings, 13 All-Star Games, inducted into the NBA’s 50 greatest ball players of all time. Oh, and he was drafted by the NFL’s Cleveland Browns, too, but took a less concussive path.

And he didn’t even start most games. Coach Red Auerbach would use Havlicek as a reserve as a sort of psychological torture: Can you imagine busting your ass chasing the starting Celtics for 10 minutes — only to see Havlicek take the court, fresh as a daisy? Russell, who owns 11 championship rings, calls him the most versatile player he’s ever seen. Four years after he retired, the NBA created the Sixth Man Award, to recognize great role players off the bench. Though the NBA won’t admit it, I’m convinced the award exists because of Havlicek.

Alas, he could not pick-and-roll Parkinson’s, which claimed him at 79 last night.

In honor of the man, I suggest two tributes. One, that the NBA officially change the name of the 6th Man Award to the John Havlicek Award. Shit, the award can even be informally shortened to winning a Hondo. Think of what that would mean to a bench player, to share such company.

The second is personal. I’ve never been a sports memorabilia person. When I worked the cop beat, an FBI agent told me at least 85% of autographs are forged. But if I ever happen into a shop and find Hondo’s playing card, or authentically-signed jersey, or come across a ball with his verifiable signature, I’m gonna do something different at the cash register.

Pick and roll.