Monthly Archives: October 2018

Riding Steerage

 

If the UN’s report on global warming didn’t send you into apoplectic shock, you may want to buy a blood pressure monitor. That way you can tell if you have a pulse.

In short, the report said, global warming will kick into lethal high gear in 12 years. So you’ll likely be around for it. Your children, however, may not; given the U.S.’ recent rejection of science, there’s no indication we have any interest in slowing the train to oblivion.

Which leads to the question: Given our president’s disdain for science and the UN, why don’t they punch back and recognize America for what it really is: an intellectual third-world nation.

For instance, I’d be fascinated to see a UN climate study that excludes the U.S. Just assume Trumpanzees will continue to worship coal and hairspray. What if much larger nations — India, China, Indonesia, for starters — took  the problem seriously and acted on it?  What if, instead of simply measuring worldwide economies (which the U.S. dominates), the UN measured stupidity in taking countries into account?

Turns out they did. In 2015, the UN defined 17 goals for any country claiming to desire complete, sustainable development. The goals range from ending poverty, to gender equality, to environmental preservation. The next year, a worldwide study was released.

And the U.S. report card from the Organization of Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) ain’t pretty.

USA! USA!

Poverty

Food security and nutrition

Health

Education

Gender equality

The US is also, with Lesotho, one of only two countries in the world that do not mandate paid maternity leave.

Energy

Employment

Infrastructure

Inequality

Housing and urban development

Peaceful living

And Into the Void

 

Whew. That was close.

We almost didn’t survive our final round of political chemotherapy: The confirmation today of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.

Please understand: I don’t think Kavanaugh should be anywhere near a federal bench. Or a public bench near a bar, for that matter. Brett Kavanaugh deserves to be a stunt groin in kung fu movies.

But his confirmation was critical to diagnosing just how serious our cancer is. We ingested a president that brags of taking women by the vagina. Not considering the personal allegations, Kavanaugh’s sworn testimony that he believes  that one of America’s two political parties orchestrates “hit jobs” demonstrated how metastatic our illness. So long Roe v. Wade and affirmative action. Your runs were noble.

But it’s best for Kavanaugh’s confirmation to come a month before the midterms. (It would have been better if Jeff Flake didn’t feign being conflicted and waste America’s time with a GOP investigation of itself). Still, for a news cycle that has the attention of a carnival goldfish, the confirmation will seem a gazy recollection. (At least for news; not, certainly, anyone who wants an abortion or a job).

So it’s up to us to remember come radiation therapy day Nov. 6. But whatever the outcome, we asked for it.

Who could claim to be swindled? Now all political cards, on both sides, are on the table.

The right was willing — pardon the pun — to shove Kavanaugh’s nomination down our throats, demonstrating where Republicans feel a woman’s place is. That is strategy incarnate: The party is betting that enough women will agree with them, galvanized by an odd support for the judge. A Quinnipiac Poll about the believability of Kavanaugh versus Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, conducted before Saturday’s confirmation turned prophetic:

  • 80% of black voters believe Dr. Ford over Kavanaugh, as do 66% of hispanic voters. Only 40% of white voters do.
  • When split by gender, 46% of white women believe Dr. Ford and 43% believe Kavanaugh, a statistically insignificant difference.
  • Only 37% of white men believe Dr. Ford.

What a snapshot of America.

Of course, the left has plenty of self-inflicted wounds of its own, namely the desire to silence those who disagree with them (is that the serotonin of power?) Most recently, the New Yorker, an otherwise sublime publication, proved itself gutless by disinviting Steve Bannon to its annual “Festival of Ideas” this fall. If that’s not the heavyweight of idea discussions, what is? But celebs threatened to boycott the festival, and Economic Darwinism took over.

New Yorker editor David Remnick quickly disinvited Bannon, saying in a statement: “I don’t want well-meaning readers and staff members to think I’ve ignored their concerns. I’ve thought this through and talked to colleagues — and I’ve reconsidered.” Not to engage in hard questioning because celebs will be offended? Turn in your press badge, motherfucker. Image result for david remnick
So the cards are on the table. Both sides are supposedly stoked for battle. #metoo versus #notnow.
How dramatic. Why, it almost feels like a TV show.

Traitor Joe Blow

 

A wise soul suggested I try Trader Joe‘s for the kind of wine I prefer: Something that tastes as sweet as Kool-Aid, without the mass suicides.

So for the first time in my life, I entered Trader Joe‘s alone (Because I’m a food fraud, I have always accompanied grocery experts who know the difference between, say, rhubarb  and butter.)Image result for rhubarb

Joe’s food must be as good as his wine, because the line just to get into the parking lot spilled onto Burbank Blvd. Motorists were lined up as if entering the Hollywood Bowl, and about as patient. Someone actually honked at a guy walking across the parking lot entrance in a walker. In his/her defense,  the car was two back in the line and couldn’t have realized the pedestrian was in a walker — until stroller guy got back to us and uttered something inaudible and surely profane at the driver in front of me.

When I finally got into the store, I was struck by the smell of sweat and douche baggery: Track suits and Louis Vittons; ravaged sandals; unbathed vegans asking if the cheese was artisinal.

But damn the advice was good. In addition to Kool-Aid booze, they had the greatest chip selection I’d ever seen, including one that was more ball than chip: an infarction-inducing clump of butter, caramel and cinnamon that I hope to be eating when I die.

But oh the douche baggery! The woman in front of me was delightful. Perhaps because she was buying eight bottles of wine and the patient cashier was double bagging every one.

The guys behind me, though, must have gone to school with Brett Kavanaugh. Douche 1 was telling Douche 2 he couldn’t make time with a girl, despite always being at his gentlemanly best. “It’s not like I’m one of those guys who walking around talking in the first person.”

I resisted snarking “You just did, dumbass.” Instead, I chickened out and left. Maybe there’d be a good motorist/senior stroller brawl outside.

Now for some non-person Factslaps:

  • Until three million years ago, whales were less than 30 feet long. Image result for small whales
  • 420,000 people die annually from tainted food.
  • Cuba bans statues of  living Cubans. Image result for fidel castro statue
  • 85% of Vakkaru Island in the Maldives is made up of fish feces.Image result for Vakkaru Island
  • 50% of US territory is under the sea.
  • England is smaller than New York state.
  • 1 in 8 young Britons have never seen a cow in real life.
  • After Korean soccer player Ahn Jung-hwan scored the goal to eliminate Italy from the 2002 World Cup, his contract was cancelled by the Italian for whom he played for ‘ruining Italian soccer.’Image result for Ahn Jung-hwan