Monthly Archives: September 2018

You Mean I Didn’t Win Publisher’s Clearinghouse?

 

I recently stumbled upon the above graph, done by some folks at Adobe, the company that wants more updates from me than my mother. Image result for funny adobe meme

Normally I am poll-dubious. And not just for 2016’s bungled projection. I quit putting my faith in them when I learned that almost every major poll service — Gallup, Pew, the major networks — conduct surveys over landline telephones.

Who under 40 owns a landline? How do not contaminate poll results by ignoring entire demographics?

As we learned 20 months ago, you can’t.

But this one was done by nerdlingers well versed in the world wide intertubes. So that’s gotta be right. Right?

Yet I find I’m dubious once more. Consider what respondents considered annoying:

Notice that every “annoyance” contains nary a rude word in it. Most simply confirm the receipt of information. Some include said information, possibly for a second time, just to be sure. One actually begins with the word “Please.” Another “Sorry.” What a new Iron(y) Age we inhabit.

The lesson here: dorks are no better at gauging public sentiment than wonks.

And you know the data is questionable: Not one aggravating email contained the words “horny,” Nigerian prince,” “MILFs” or “IMF Foreign Payment (which came today. Apparently, my Master Card will be credited $10.5 million after a small transaction fee. So long, suckers.)

And, in less dubious news, fellow bitches, just the Factslaps:

  • In the 1800s, ducks were called ‘arsefeet’ because their feet are so close to their bottoms. Image result for duck's feet
  • The world’s billionaires made enough money in 2017 to end extreme poverty seven times over.
  • A male cheetah can make a female ovulate by barking at her. Image result for male and female cheetahs
  • In 1568, the Catholic Church condemned the entire population of The Netherlands to death for heresy.
  • Only 41% of items on to-do lists are ever actually done.Image result for funny to do list
  • In 1932, Winston Churchill went to a hotel in Munich two days in a row to have tea with Hitler. Hitler stood him up both times and the two men never met. Image result for churchill hitler
  • A bird caused the Large Hadron Collider to be turned off in 2009 after it dropped a piece of baguette into it. Image result for large hadron collider
  • There are enough nuclear shelters in Switzerland to house the entire population.

If You Want My Lovin’

 

Man, are we getting repetitive.

To my colleagues in the media: Please stop saying this could be the scandal that topples the president.

At the end of every week since Trump took office, the 24/7 squawkers have been trying to justify Chicken Little bullhorns. “It’s been a rough week for the president,” a newscaster invariably begins. “The walls are closing in on Trump as his friends strike immunity deals,” cawed Rachel Maddow last week. After the “N-word” scandal, CNN’s Chris Cuomo actually uttered these words: “This one is big.” So what does that make the rest of them? The alarm bells have  become shrill political Muzak.

Image result for chris cuomo

But this week really may have been his worst yet.

Not politically, or course. Asking Trumpsters to defy or define his thinking is like asking a believer to defy or describe god’s. Good luck finding logic in either.

No, this was Trump’s worst week because his worst fears materialized: He wasn’t the center of TV coverage. Even on Pravda Light, Fox News.

What wonderful misery that must have brought. The man does two things: watch cable news and eat KFC. And a bucket will only last you so long. What was he going to do? Workout in a gym? Read a book? Talk to his wife?

No, Trump’s personal hell is to turn on Fox, CNN and MSNBC and find, instead of his plump visage, an earnest homage to the man Trump mocked to gain office (a mocking that became exponentially more monstrous when juxtaposed with renewed stories of McCain’s ordeal). Image result for line of people at mccain's funeral

Add to that lawmakers from both sides of the aisle — and his daughter, for god’s sake — praising McCain, without exception, as American bravery incarnate. That sure must have made Trump’s bone spurs itchy, poor guy.

Then, in perhaps his last, greatest tactical maneuver, McCain planned his farewells to the letter. And none of those letters spelled T-R-U-M-P.  They spelled out George Bush and Barack Obama (men who bested him in elections) to give eulogies. Even Mike Pence got an invitation to ceremonies, even though he never served a day in the military (the invertebrate’s  father and son did, however). That’s like sending out birthday invitations and listing the one person not welcome to the party.

And in case he had forgotten his unpopularity among real people (common in Narcissistic Personality Disorder), Aretha Franklin passed away in what was arguably the most joyous, appreciative funeral in Detroit’s history. Stevie Wonder sang the closing song. A teary eyed Bill Clinton played one of her songs to the church through his iPhone and referred to himself as a “groupie” of hers.

Trump didn’t even need to be uninvited to that funeral. Michigan may be a red state, but Detroit is black and blue. You think Secret Service would have protected him from the D, which never needed rumors of tape of the N-word to know he uses it. Belief runs both ways. Image result for aretha franklin funeral stevie wonder clinton

Russian collusion? Yawn. Campaign donations? Next. Racism and sexism? What else is new?

No, what most stings Trump is a lack of attention. How fitting that ceremonies honoring an iconic woman and esteemed political foe would relegate Trump to back page news. And it’s no coincidence Franklin and McCain found fervent, universal love through the understanding of a concept as foreign to Trump as Sanskrit.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.