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What I Have in Common with Donald Trump
By Ethan Kuperberg, The New Yorker
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I love television.
I have almost zero understanding of international politics.
I have not exercised in 2017.
I have never read the second half of “Infinite Jest.”
I have never read “The Art of the Deal,” by Donald Trump.
I know it’s silly and will never happen, but I secretly wish that Barack Obama were my best friend.
I have been scared every day since November 8, 2016.
I’m not as good at having sex as I think I am.
I am related to Jewish people whom I don’t understand.
A waiter once forgot to charge me for a drink at a restaurant, and I did not tell him to adjust the check.
Melania Trump has no interest in having sex with me.
When I get really stressed out, I like to watch the film “Finding Dory.”
I have recently Internet-stalked the people who bullied me in middle school.
I need more therapy than I am currently undergoing.
I look awful in hats.
Hillary Clinton is much smarter than I am, and I know it.
I would rather win an Emmy than be in politics.
I would rather win a free drink at the Coffee Bean than be in politics.
Sometimes I wish that dogs could talk. I wonder what they would say.
Not to harp on it, but “Finding Dory” has a plotline that I find easy to follow.
I am not on the correct medication.
I have a recurring nightmare in which my father tells me that he is not proud of me.
I have never had a one-on-one conversation with Tiffany Trump that lasted for longer than ten minutes.
I’m pretty sure I’m not gay, but every once in a while I see an attractive man and I think, Geez, that guy is good-looking.
I hope they make a sequel to “Finding Dory.”
I think that Paul Ryan is a fucking wimp.
I will never understand what it’s like to be a Syrian refugee.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but all I want, deeply and unequivocally, on any given day, at any given hour, is to have someone look me in the eye and tell me, with complete and profound sincerity, “I love you.”
I have never been democratically elected President of the United States. ♦
