Monthly Archives: August 2015

Of a Feather

 

My sister told me on Mother’s Day that I was going to be a father.

Wait. That sounds awfully hillbilly-esque. Let me rephrase. In May, Caroline told me that birds were constructing a nest on my back patio.

I was surprised to hear. Normally Esme stands pretty firm in her patrol of the house, which she considers her own and rules like a plump matriarch.

One rainy evening, as I was showering, I heard Esme and Teddy sniffing around in the bathroom. When I opened the shower, I found a possum, corpse-like in the doorway. I grabbed a towel, peered down at the little fella — he looked like a baby, which routinely get separated from their moms in storms — and figured Esme killed it and brought it in to play fetch.

Or he could be playing, well, you know.

Adorned in only a towel, I leapt over the rodent to exit, certain it would startle, jump up and bite me in the slats. It didn’t, but after opening all the doors and heading to the garage for a shovel, I returned to find him gone. Mom taught him well. I never saw him again, despite a room-to-room sweep with Esme. I did, however, load the BB gun, just in case an angry mom returns for her child. possum

Weirder things have happened. Los Angeles moonlights as Los Fauna.

I once saw a rooster in my backyard. My next door neighbor claims to have found mountain lion scat on his roof. A backyard woodpecker I’ve named Plastics starts rapping about 5:30  a.m., the front yard mockingbirds earlier (now that’s Tweeting, bitches). A coyote ate a friend’s cat. Esme’s never been fond of crows, and shoos ravens the size of ostriches.

But the nest changed things.

It’s in a seemingly ideal spot: A crevice under the patio awning, out of reach of the ambulatory and sight of the migratory. Safe from crows and roosters and mountain lions and ostriches and possums. Always shaded.

The tenants are unremarkable. Sparrows as beige as blandness, small and missable. sparrow But once they moved in, I began paying attention. And Esme lost her aggression.

I spy them from the spa. They perch on the awning, eyeing a backyard that must teem with life unseen. I watch them dive bomb, quick and silent. If they catch an insect or crumb, they fly under the awning to gack into their kids’ mouths. They’ve even begun stopping at the dogs’ water dish for a sip.

And Esme doesn’t stir. Or even perk her ears. I think she’s had a Maude moment of enlightenment: “Dreyfus once wrote from Devil’s Island that he would see the most glorious birds. Many years later in Brittany he realized they had only been seagulls. For me they will always be glorious birds.”

maude

I know fall is coming. You can feel it at night, that approach of stillness. Soon, the nest will be gone.

I will miss the sparrows. Maybe the dogs will, too. If they’re reading, chirptweettweetchirp (translation: “You are officially invited to move in and stay forever.”).

It’s funny, when you drop your guard, how easy it is to take another’s cause as your own.

 

 

America Runs on Glurpin’

 

After more than 15 years, I went into a Dunkin’ Donuts. Or, more accurately, acquiesced to go after a friend threatened driving into a tree if we did not stop there for dessert.

It’s not that I don’t like Dunkin,’ or any other food in donut form. To the contrary, I think donuts should be on the USDA’s list of daily recommended supplements. I just have an odd memory of the place.

Now, Dunkin’ is nothing like I remember. It was once an unofficial police precinct, known for its sugar, lard and whatever glurp they funnel into their Boston Kremes. Now, it more resembles a Starbucks on a confectioner’s high.

Dark wood interiors. Flat screen TVs. WiFi. Smells more like coffee than donut holes, whatever the hell those were. Even the bag has changed, into a recyclable sack of subtler fonts and hues. newbag A far cry from the good old poisonous plastic clutch, emblazoned with neon lettering that screamed where you just dined. oldbagTo go there meant taking the Culinary Walk of Shame.

I was taking one more than 15 years ago, when I lived in DC.

D.C. a deceptive place. The elbow of the nation’s saluting arm it was designed by Pierre L’Enfant, and the Capitol neighborhood itself is spectacular, as artistic a city as Paris.

capitol

Look deeper, though, and you’ll see that poverty concerns far outweigh political ones, that the homeless seem to outnumber the homes. I once watched a drunken drifter roll out from under my Jeep one afternoon. He was using it for shade, sleeping. He would have been human jelly  had I not been so anal about letting the engine warm up.

I came upon another homeless denizen 15 years ago, running home before an early-morning  tennis game with Bill. scottnbill

She looked to be at least 50, though she may have been 16; like living in the sun, living on asphalt seems to weather skin mercilessly. She called out as I was grabbing the keys to the entrance of my apartment building, in downtown Adams Morgan, a catch basin for the city’s human flotsam.

“Hey, donut boy!” she shouts, spotting the bag a mile off. “Got any spare change?”

When approached by the homeless, I usually make eye contact and politely say no (except on Christmas morning). Today, however, I actually had dumped the few coins into whatever charity bin was on the counter, even though I suspect Dunkin‘ employees just emptied it into the register. Or gave it to the cops for protection.

“No, sorry,” I respond.

“Not even a quarter?” she asks. following me up the footpath to the entrance. “Come one, one quarter.”

“Sorry.”

Lady must have been trying out a new sales technique, one that employed doubt.

“How about a dime?” she says, about 10 feet behind now. “Ten cents?”

“I don’t have any change, sorry.”

I open the front door, pass through the second set of doors. I hear she must have wedged her foot before the front door  could click shut, because it did not. I heard he entryway doors open.

“How about a nickel?! You saying you don’t have a nickel?!”

I don’t respond, just walk to my door, unlocked it, get stupidly confident.

“One penny??!!!” She is yelling now. “You don’t have one cent on you??!!”

Living room a few strides away, I turn, face her, get growly. “Lady, I don’t have one goddamned penny on me!” I bark, and slam the door.

About an hour later, running late to meet Bill. I open the door, and there’s…glurp. Lady left a full loogie on my front door, big and beaming as a Christmas wreath.

I’ve never been a big fan of Starbucks, or many places that engage in chic gouging (‘cept Harley). But I gotta say: I like the Dunkin makeover. Seems it would draw less of that haughty loogie crowd.