VAN NUYS, CA  — A bag of “Fun Size” Funyons was attacked Monday night in an unprovoked late-night raid, authorities said. There were no survivors.

The Funyons were resting in a three-shelf cupboard at Chez Dander in Van Nuys’ white enclave of Lake Balboa, according to authorities.

Dander guard Esme Bowles says the assault happened about 10 p.m. Monday. She says she was farting on a leather sofa when she heard the rustle of plastic in the kitchen.

“It sounded like food,” Bowles says. “Human food.”

She ran to the kitchen but found only remnants of the seige.

“It was a massacre,” she says. “There were crumbs everywhere. It smelled like processed onions, trans fat and weed.”

Bowles says she confiscated the crumbs and sent them to her bowels for testing.

Authorities have narrowed the suspect to a white male seen playing iPad pinball in the area and stinking of Frito Lay, and a yellow dog seen stinking of everything else.

Though no one has been taken into custody, “we’re pretty sure we know where he sleeps,” Bowles says of the human suspect. She says authorities conducted a “full urinalysis” on a dining room rug, but would not elaborate.

Another Dander guard, Teddy Bowles (no relation, Esme Bowles insists), says investigators are stymied. He was in the living room working a genital-licking case, but says he would would assist in the investigation.

“Funyons come in bags!” he says.