Slick Mitch, the Hypocritical Homophobe

 

That’s it. I’m turning the car around.

I warned you: If you didn’t stop bickering and playing “he’s touching my side of the seat,” I’d call off the trip to Disney. But you persisted. So now it’s off.

Fucking brats.

Fear not. I don’t have kids. I do, however, have a television. And despite our pleas to government leaders to stop arguing over something as inconsequential as a pile of bricks, to bring an adult into the room, we watched as you continued to call each other names — until 800,000 people were forced to work for free or give up their jobs entirely.

But in truth, there is an adult in the room. He just refuses to come out of the closet.

His name is Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr., Kentucky’s senior Senator and the Senate Majority Leader. At least, that’s his job title.

In reality, he is persona non grata. As Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi dominate headlines and news coverage, McConnell is conspicuously absent from media scrutiny. We keep hearing about the stalemate between Democrats and Republicans, yet nothing about the person who essentially serves as the father of Congress in its entirety. While he’s only a hick senator, McConnell somehow has the power to determine if House bills are even introduced to the Senate floor for debate (thanks a bunch, founding fathers).Image result for trump vs. pelosi

That puts the showdown squarely at his feet.

It’s easy (and plausible) to also lay it in front of Trump and Pelosi, who bicker like embittered spouses in a divorce. Yet both have at least attempted to open the government (even if their own agendas drive the attempt). Pelosi has sent two bills to reopen government and debate the wall later. Trump has offered temporary DACA relief for a permanent wall. However empty the offers, they are, at least, offers.

Sure, both are trying to sell the other bridges. But at least they’re feigning what the public (and a majority of Congressional representatives) desire: to give the U.S. government a jump start and revive critical government services.

McConnell isn’t even feigning. His rationale: The president will veto a House bill, so he refuses to bring it to the Senate for debate. That’s like a winless  football team scheduled to play an undefeated one. You’re going to lose anyway, so why even take the field?Image result for friday night lights holding hands

Any coach who proposed such a tactic would have their ass introduced to the door in nanoseconds. Yet McConnell skates unquestioned, even by colleagues who’d like groups like the TSA, Border Patrol and the Food and Drug Administration paid for services rendered. But the only thing McConnell seems capable of hearing is Trump’s zipper, which brings him immediately to his knees, mouth agape.Image result for shutdown let me work sign

How does the cowardice go unchecked? Even the president seems to want a way out, feeling the mounting public resentment of politicians continuing to collect paychecks while their minions remain in indentured servitude (Trump continues to be paid $400,000 a year, while the 579 in Congress still collect $174,000 annually). McConnell, by the way, still brings home a $193,400 paycheck.

That Trump and Pelosi want this argued — even if still ends in stalemate — is patently clear. That McConnell won’t even allow the debate is patently criminal — and an insult to every one of his colleagues.

We in the press need to identify all the culprits, beginning with Sen. jowls. And those in government need to stand up to a deadbeat dad.

Maybe someone could stick this video in one of his neck flaps. Just look what wondrous things can happen when an adult allows a kid to tackle a seemingly impossible task.

 

When the Buzz Saw Hits Bone

 

The media outlet Buzzfeed had to down a plateful of crow today, served up by none other than Robert Mueller.

The meal was unexpected for a couple of reasons. One, Buzzfeed is as much of a news outlet as Scientology is a religion. In fact, they share a similar modus operandi: Both try to attract followers for cash, not enlightenment.

Second, and more startlingly, was the waiter. Mueller tends to treat media reports like fresh turds. He avoids them like he’s walking barefoot.Image result for stern mueller

But his office couldn’t ignore Buzzfeed‘s “bombshell” story last night: Citing two anonymous sources, it said Mueller’s office suspected thug lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen had been ordered to lie to Congress by none other than the president.

In a rare rebuke, Mueller’s office issued an official repudiation. While it did not specifically name the errors in the story, special counsel spokesperson Peter Carr told BuzzFeed its “description of specific statements to the Special Counsel’s Office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen’s congressional testimony are not accurate.”

As expected, Buzzfeed stood by its report, calling on Mueller’s office to be specific on the claimed inaccuracies. Even worse, Chris Cuomo, the news anchor at cable TV’s (usually) most unbiased 24/7 news outlet, offered this little editorial nugget, claiming Mueller’s office damaged the already-tarnished view of news media:

“Mueller didn’t do the media any favors tonight and he did do the president one,” Cuomo cawed. “This allows them to say, ‘You can’t believe it, you can’t believe what you read, you can’t believe what you hear, you can only believe us,’” Cuomo then added, ”‘Even the special counsel says that the media doesn’t get it right.’”

With all due respect to Cuomo, CNN and the kids at Buzzfeed: Go fuck yourselves.

To CNN: What’s your message here? That to call us out for inaccuracy is to be the enemy, on the wrong side of a firefight? Our job is to get it right. And when we don’t, or are accused of being wrong, our job is to back up our words with the facts we reported.

Mueller’s job isn’t to do anyone favors. Neither the media nor the president. His job is to get to the truth. Would we even believe his investigation if was doing anyone favors?

And it’s not like Mueller to capriciously refute a media report. For instance, his office said nothing last week when  The New York Times reported that the FBI had opened an investigation into whether Trump was acting as a Russian agent after his firing of James Comey. Was he doing the media a favor then and the president a disfavor? Clearly, his office speaks up when it finds something to be egregiously off.

To Buzzfeed: How can you seriously ask Mueller’s office to provide you with specific details of their claim when you quote unnamed sources? You’re not playing with a double edged sword here; you’re playing with a doubled edged sword with a razor blade handle. Why don’t you man-up behind your story first, and we’ll talk details.

A bit more about Buzzfeed: Here are a few headlines from your edition Saturday. “ Carpentersville 27 Cheap Products To Actually Organize All The Small Stuff/Everything is under $25!” And “ 12 People Who Posted On Social Media Without Giving A Single F (Featuring savage moms.)” And “ 34 Genius Products That Will Fix Your Small (But Annoying) Problems/Button extenders that will add an extra 1″ to my waistline? Where were you when I was suffering at Thanksgiving dinner?”

Understand: Every time Buzzfeed does a story on products for sale, it gets a cut of that sale. They admit it with this caveat before each glowing review of a product:  “We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.”

Just because you admit you profit off of (invariably positive) “reviews” of merchandise doesn’t make your story valid. It just makes it an ad, dimwits.

And to Cuomo, whose catch phrase before each newscast is “Let’s get at it.” Ok, let’s.Image result for chris cuomo

Mueller taking a media report to task has the absolute opposite effect of emboldening the president. In fact, it undercuts Trump’s “fake news” mantra and gives credence to Mueller’s investigation (Trump inadvertently praised Mueller by citing the release to bash Buzzfeed‘s story). If Mueller is in no one’s camp — and willing to call a media report inaccurate — it’s tougher to call him biased, let alone a witch hunter.

This speaks to a larger issue: the public distrust of media. No outlet is as critical of the president as this one. We have no problem calling Trump out on everything from outright lies to uneducated misspellings (hamberders?).Image result for trump hamberders

But not at the cost of accuracy. The truth is the only currency we can carry.

And the truth is this: The president is onto something about us, though, predictably, he is ignorantly off-point. America isn’t riddled with fake news. But when outlets make a profit on trending stories and click-bait, it’s riddled with something much worse:

Non news.

 

 

 

Under Darkness of M. Night

 

M. Night Shyamalan’s career is something akin to the stock market. After making his Hollywood splash with the Oscar-nominated chiller The Sixth Sense, he was hailed on the cover of Newsweek as the next Steven Spielberg. But since then, his career has seen as many peaks and valleys as The Dow Jones. In anticipation of his trilogy capper Glass, we take a look and rank the dozen films in his career.

The Last Airbender (2010)The Last Airbender

Shyamalan had a reputation of making tight suspense movies that didn’t break the bank: His first seven movies cost less than $75 million. Maybe that’s what made Airbender so disappointing. Despite boasting a $150 million budget, the movie was marked with uninspired performance, shoddy special effects and a script devoid of his trademark flourishes of quiet tension — a far cry from the wildly wildly imaginative Nickelodeon series on which it was based. Savage reviews sealed the movie’s fate — and Shyamalan’s plans for a trilogy.

Lady in the Water (2006)Lady in the Water

One of the biggest disappointments of Shyamalan’s career. Before beginning production on this  fairy tale,  Shyamalan had quite a resume,  with Sense, Unbreakable and Signs under his belt. And with a cast lead by Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard and Jeffrey Wright, expectations were stratospheric. Alas, this story about a blue collar Joe trying to save a stranded water faerie return home came off as an exercise in self-indulgent hubris, and sank like a stone with critics and fans.

Praying With Anger (1992)Praying With Anger

While not technically a Hollywood film (Shyamalan started working on his debut film  while still a student at NYU), this was his first true movie: He wrote, produced, funded, directed, and starred in the story of an Americanized young man of East Indian descent returning home to rediscover his roots. While the movie didn’t have the low-budget Blair Witch or El Mariachi debut effect he hoped (the pacing was molasses slow and it showed Shyamalan, who played the lead, is no actor), it did grab the attention of studio execs who saw potential, opening the door for  Sense.

After Earth (2013)After Earth

Credit Shyamalan with guts: Even after the costly debacle that was  Airbender,  Shyamalan wasn’t shy about swinging for the big-budget fences, and Columbia Pictures obliged with  a $130 million budget and Will Smith for this sci-fi adventure. But the story of space travelers stranded on an alien planet played as an empty vessel, a vanity project for Smith and his son Jaden, who showed a surprising lack of chemistry and could not muster, of all things, much emotion to overcome the unimpressive special effects. While star power and overseas grosses helped the movie turn a small profit, the movie never took flight with fans and reviewers.

The Happening (2008)The Happening

Despite a terrific trailer, Happening became a Hollywood punchline about wind being an awful casting choice for a thriller. The story about a teacher, his wife and their friends trying to outrun a mysterious plague has its fans, but primarily among B-movie fans fond of it’s unintentional B-movie quality.

Wide Awake(1998)Wide Awake

Most people don’t even know Rosie O’Donnell starred in a Shyamalan film, but this clunker about a fifth grader who sets off on a search for God after the death of his grandfather is unfortunate proof otherwise. While the movie should have been in the wheelhouse of Shyamalan’s themes of faith, family and identity, the story was too plodding and schmaltzy to get the director back on top of his game.

The Visit (2015)M. Night Shyamalan The Visit

After his fourth straight big-budget misfire in After Earth,  Shyamalan seemed poised for a possible comeback with this 2015 semi found-footage film about teen siblings visiting their grandparents and finding them engaged in some seriously deranged behavior. Too deranged for audiences, who found the movie  claustrophobic, paranoid and just plain bizarre — made more confusingly jittery by the movie’s handheld camera work.  It did, though, earn a 72% on RottenTomatoes and gave  a glimpse into the creepy anxiousness Shyamalan would use so effectively in Split.

The Village (2004)The Village

Perhaps the most underrated film in Shymalan’s oeuvre. Sure, the central conceit is a cheap twist with no clever foreshadowing clues like Sense.  But the mournful story and Gothic themes of grief, fear and the coldness of modern society made for an effective chiller, accentuated by the woods that made up the set and the “creature” that haunted them. Not to mention, it featured Roger Deakins haunting cinematography and a terrific romantic score from James Newton Howard. The movie enjoyed a healthy home video run and warrants a repeat viewing for those expecting something different in theaters.

Split (2017)James McAvoy in Split

While The Visit didn’t quite put Shyamalan back on top,  it proved Shyamalan was ready to tackle the darker, deeper themes that made him a critical darling early in his career. Backed by the risk-taking production house Blumhouse, this story of a man suffering from multiple personalities was a showcase for James McAvoy’s incredible range with voices and characters, and is perhaps the most unexpected entry of a suspense trilogy in recent cinema. It’s a wonderful examination of psychological horror and was the surprise commercial hit of 2017, raking in $138 million, more than three times its budget. It’s also made Glass the most anticipated film of winter.

Signs (2002)M. Night Shyamalan Signs

Sure, it’s too long, and critics had a field day with the twist ending (why would invading aliens, who dissolve in water, invade a planet that’s 70% water and rains regularly?). But Signs became not only a sci-fi masterpiece, but it pulled off the near-impossible at the box office: After dropping from the No. 1 perch its opening weekend, it roared back in its fourth weekend to hold the top spot for three straight,  raking in $227 million by the end of its run. Many consider it Mel Gibson’s finest performance, and made a scene-stealer out of Joaquin Phoenix. It also became that true Hollywood rarity: a religious parable to wear its heart on its sleeve.

Unbreakable (2000)Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable

Perhaps the most underrated superhero film in modern Hollywood memory. Coming on the heels of Sense with a cryptic trailer and a shroud of secrecy, Unbreakable set an unreachable bar of expectations, and its $95 million at the box office — $5 million short of the ridiculous $100 million “blockbuster” label requirement — had some media wonks deeming it a disappointment. But it’s eminently re-watchable for the clues it subtly lays out, the sequel-friendly landscape it carves, and still stands as some of the best work Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson have ever done. It’s even got the subtle heart of a family drama, virtually unheard of in today’s superhero universe.

The Sixth Sense (1999)Haley Joel Osment and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense

Even Shyamalan could not come up with an unexpected twist to this list. What more can be said about a debut that challenges Orson Welles’? Shyamalan’s tale of a soft-spoken 10-year-old who sees dead people comes off as a straightforward horror movie. But the mesmerizing performance of Oscar-nominated Haley Joel Osment, played against Bruce Willis’ wonderfully restrained performance and capped by the confident directing of a Tinsel Town wunderkind, made Sense not only the suspense thriller of the year, but the decade. No matter how many times you watch it, you’ll find a new, subtle clue hinting at its devastating finale.