Well Goddamn

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What’s your favorite cuss word?

It says a lot about a person. Is it one of the original seven George Carlin said could not be spoken on television (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits)? Is it quaint (ass or dammit, with two m’s)? Is it an epithet? And what do you use it for? To express anger? To express frustration? To express…yourself?

Mine is goddamn. I can still remember when the word was unofficially one of Carlin’s verboten. Well, the full word. The networks would let you get away with “damn.” But god forbid you add the unholy predicate.

So it automatically became my go-to phrase for anything that doesn’t go my way. My team lost? Goddamn. I screwed up my taxes? Goddamn. There isn’t syrup in every one of the squares of my waffle? Goddamnit!

Today, the word become even more precious to me when I stumbled upon this FactSlap: Latin had about 800 obscene words; English has only about 20.

Well goddamn.

Onward, FactSlaps!

  • A 2018 study of Hitler’s teeth, held in Moscow, claims to prove he died after taking cyanide and shooting himself in the head in 1945. Image result for hitler's teeth
  • The fastest a dolphin can swim near the surface is 33.5 mph.Image result for dolphin
  • Netflix is responsible for 15% of global Internet traffic.
  • About 20% of the world’s tech founders are immigrants, even though immigrants only make up about 4 percent of the world’s population.
  • In 1924, half the cars in the world were Fords.Image result for 1924 Ford
  • No one knows what Machu Picchu was used for, but some believe it was a royal estate or a secret ceremonial center.Image result for Machu Picchu
  • In 4 of the 5 largest cities in the U.S., it’s cheaper to rely on Uber than to own a car, a 2018 report found.
  • During WWII, Japan bombed China with fleas infected with Bubonic Plague.Image result for During WW2, Japan bombed China with fleas infected with bubonic plague.
  • Bart Simpson’s name is an anagram of BRAT. His full name is Bartholomew Jojo Simpson.Image result for bart simpson
  • Germany had highest numbers of asylum requests in 2015.
  • Elon Musk was ousted as CEO of PayPal because he insisted on switching from Unix-based infrastructure to Windows.Image result for elon musk
  • In 2004, Los Angeles planted a pine tree in memory of Beatle, George Harrison. Ten years later, it died of a beetle infestation.Image result for In 2004, Los Angeles planted a pine tree in memory of Beatle, George Harrison. Ten years later, it died of a beetle infestation.
  • There is a version of the Bible translated into Hawaiian Pidgin called ‘Da Jesus Book’.Image result for There is a version of the Bible translated into Hawaiian Pidgin called 'Da Jesus Book'.
  • Bill Gates continued to fly coach until 1997, when his net worth was already US$36 billion.
  • In more than half of U.S. cities, it is illegal for homeless people to sit or lay on the sidewalk.Image result for sit or lay on sidewalk

Quentin Tarantino’s Long Oscar Con

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Warning: Spoilers loose here!

First, full disclosure: I love Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood. I think it’s one of the best movies of the year, one of Tarantino’s finest in a career of fine films, and as fitting an homage to Los Angeles’ Golden Age of film as any ever rendered. And it’s getting too much praise.

Hollywood has been nominated for 10 Oscars, and has already collected 102 trophies over more than a dozen award ceremonies, including the Golden Globes and the BAFTAs.

Those plaudits for the films aren’t the problem. The problem is the praise heaped on supporting star Brad Pitt. He, like the film, has been showered in praise and gold plating, nabbing a Best Supporting Oscar nomination and taking home supporting acting statuettes from said Globes/BAFTAs. Should Pitt win the Oscar, his first order of business should be to thank Tarantino for pulling off the greatest heist since Ocean’s Eleven. In fact, classic films were part of the heist.Image result for pitt golden globe"

You see, Tarantino is this year’s Oscar’s darling for his love letter to 1960’s Hollywood, when the industry’s  ability to sell a concocted happiness was at its peak. Families were nuclear and daddies knew best. Kids didn’t swear, adults didn’t screw, and cowboys didn’t miss or bleed (unless they were bad). Killers met with unfettered justice — often dealt out by likes of Rick Dalton, Tarantino’s leading man in Hollywood.

Dalton is one of those Bonanza cowboys, at least on the outside. Steady. Steely. Sure-handed. Inside, though, he’s a wreck. He drinks too much, swears up a storm, has a nervous stutter, and is having trouble coming to terms with age and relevance.

Now consider Cliff Booth, Pitt’s likable, buff stunt double to DiCaprio’s Dalton in Hollywood. Cliff is an understated Missouri boy who, in the span of three hours, saves his buddy’s career, kicks Bruce Lee’s ass in a street fight and single-handedly prevents the Manson family murders. He is as stalwart a Hollywood hero as any produced 50 years ago. And like all good 60’s movie cowboys, his acting sucks.Image result for bruce lee cliff booth"

Like, really sucks. I challenge anyone who has seen the film: Name one scene in which Pitt is called upon to act. One scene in which he sheds a tear. Or loses his temper. Or becomes nervous, uncomfortable or caught unawares. He is Shane, mysterious, unflappable and Ivory pure.

This isn’t Pitt’s fault. He’s a solid actor (See Twelve Monkeys, Moneyball, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button). It’s just he’s playing John Wayne without the temper, and is never asked to express anything approximating range. Tarantino must know: DiCaprio acted circles around Pitt, gaining weight, shedding tears, allowing insecurities to surface. But while Pitt won honors, DiCaprio had to settle for honorable mentions among the Globes and BAFTAs.Image result for twelve monkeys"

Not that anyone need shed a tear over Hollywood‘s fortunes. But if Pitt manages to pull off a win, and beat co-nominees Al Pacino, Anthony Hopkins, Joe Pesci and Tom Hanks, he should silently signal to Tarantino Sting-style, with a nod of the head and forefinger gently brushing his nose. Image result for the sting rub nose"

Because that’s a helluva take.

The Wit(ness)less Path

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Evidentialism isn’t much on karma, but it fully embraces the concerto of circumstance. And today’s  was a doozy.

On the same day at the witness-less impeachment of Donald Trump whimpered to its inevitable euthanasia, the Iowa Caucuses kicked off a year of primaries, presidential puffery and, eventually, an actual vote to do something Nov. 3. Oh, and Rush Limbaugh has lung cancer (apparently that 30 years of hot air Rush spewed was carcinogenic). Image result for rush limbaugh"

Now that’s a confluence of events: One party will acquit its leader while another will appoint a new prosecutor. All while the war’s most inaccurate reporter rots from the inside. Say this for the upcoming presidential election: It will be the most honest in modern political history.

Doubt it? Love him or loathe him, does anyone truly feel like they don’t know who Donald Trump is? Are his supporters hard to distinguish? Are there really any on-the-fencers left in America? If so, what the fuck have you been doing for four years? Read something.

The Left, meanwhile, is harder to read; is Bernie a socialist? Will Warren really stick it to the .01%? Could the billionaire sniping between Michael Bloomberg and Trump get any better? (Trump accused Bloomberg of demanding boxes for debates. “The president is lying,” Bloomberg responded in a release. “He is a pathological liar who lies about everything: his fake hair, his obesity, and his spray-on tan.”)Image result for bloomberg trump"

Despite the differences on the Left, they do all share a through-line: All promise to have the spine to bitch-slap Trump. Democratic voters also have a singular though-line: Someone who will bitch-slap Trump.

Which is why Democrats should actually celebrate the vote the Senate took last week to bar any witnesses in the impeachment trial.

Consider, for a moment, the firmament the GOP would have claimed if it had allowed witnesses. Senators could have argued (however speciously) that the trial was a fair proceeding, complete with evidence and witnesses. Neither, however, amounted to enough to warrant removing the president, they would argue. Soak it in enough politispeak, and it may even sound legitimate.

Now, however, Republican Senators have to sell America on the impartiality of a witness-less trial. A much harder stretch, even when playing to dimwits. Like the jurors in the O.J. verdict and the lawmakers who voted to invade Iraq, there are names listed specifically behind these actions. We can decide if there will be a day of reckoning.Image result for oj verdict iraq"

A day after the Senate vote to ban witnesses, a wily hacker, presumably Democrat, massaged the Wikipedia entry on The United States Senate to read this:

The United States Senate was formerly the upper chamber of the United States Congress, which, along with the United States House of Representatives ― the lower chamber ― comprised the legislature of the United States. It died on January 31, 2020, when senators from the Republican Party refused to stand up to a corrupt autocrat calling himself the president of the United States, refusing to hear testimony that said individual blackmailed Ukraine in order to cheat in the 2020 presidential election.

After the hack, Wikipedia quickly took down the entry and restored the original, perhaps one of the first times Wiki has publicly made an entry inaccurate.

But the point was made. For three years, we have lied to ourselves about what would move the political needle: The Muller report? Nope. Ukraine? Next. Political assassinations? You’ll have to do better than that. The only thing that’s going to remove Trump is an overwhelming electoral loss. And even that may be disputed (the guys contested an election he won, for god’s sake).

The results in Iowa will do more than pick a first-round winner. When it and 49 others states have run their preliminary 5ks, they will give us a clearer picture of who we are as Americans. Are half of us flat-Earthers? Anti-vaxers? Half of us believe you’re in a cult. The other half think you’re too hard on the Kool-Aid. We’ll see in less than a year.

If we choose it, impeachment starts now. But make no mistake: We will sleep in beds we made.